Taking a walk with Jesus and never returning

As I reflect on all of the things I have been experiencing and learning as I grow in Christ, I can't believe how much I just didnt know and how not knowing has set me up for some major sin issues in my life.

Over the past 10 years I have been going to church. Not always consistently, but I was saved and baptised,  and I thought I knew God. I thought I understood. I thought that was good enough.

All I can say about that is, I was not reading God's Word every day. I was not praying or spending enough time with Him.

If I wasn't doing that, how then could I ever have possibly been able to really know him and have him working in my life? If you know me, you know that I have been through it. If you still know me, you know that I am working hard to change my life and I am walking with Christ. The only way possible to turn it around is to completely put my faith in Him and know him more, every day.

I have some really difficult decisions to make. I need to take care of some things that I wasn't sure I had the strength to do before. I have to make a list of things that need to be crossed off that I dread having to do.

The one thing that I did do, the most important thing I needed to do, is already done...I completely and recklessly gave my life to Jesus. I am completely convinced that He, and only He is going to fill all of the broken crevices of my heart.

I get it now. I really really get it.

The Pearl

In every oyster there lies the ability

To produce something rare.

Truth like a grain of sand will produce

The pearl that is hidden there.

Young woman, you are often mocked and scorned, and told you never should

Have been born.

You want to run away, to hide your hurt.

Your heart is wounded, bleeding and torn.

God makes not mistakes:

Every life is special,

Every life is planned.

Seeds can sprout in sand.

Open yourself up to the Spirit of God,

Grow in grace and maturity,

Be what He wants you to be.

Your beauty, your strength lies deep within you.

Young woman, young girl,

Open yourself up to God.

Allow Him to reveal your pearl.

-Sylvia Hannah

Being Brave

I painted this rock on my birthday this year. It was kind of a gift to myself to spend some time being creative and making something that I would find inspiring each time I see my brave rock. I found it to be a helpful reminder and I love the significance of the arrow. It sits on my porch so I see it every time I come home, every time I leave, and my hope is that everyone who comes and goes sees it too! A favorite quote of mine is, 

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward,

So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means

That it's going to launch you

Into something great.

So focus and keep aiming."

Being brave, in my experience, is not always something that other people like so much. Sometimes I worry that people won't like what I have to share or that maybe it's just too much for them to take in, handle, or accept. Well, my idea is like this: I am 35 years old, I have been through many experiences that have brought me where I am now, and I feel like sharing. I feel that I am being called to tell my story. It might be convicting or maybe you feel it is better to have a private life. You see, the probem I see with staying quiet all the time is, people will never know! People arent going to ask you questions in fear that they are over stepping boundaries or being nosey or they don't want to get involved. People will say hello, or not, and never know you, even if they see you every week and read your Facebook wall. We might even have 100 mutual friends and not even realize that I have three children and I am on an incredible journey with God. 

I used to be the girl with the "cute chubby baby". Before that I was a few other things, but we will move on to who I am now. I have a name. It's Jessica. I am more than the mom of three children and I am more than the girl who comes to bible study with my notebook, pen, and huge application bible.

I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you a few things about me. Maybe we are relatable in some way that would open up conversation. That is how you make friends, isn't it?

1. I love Jesus. I am pretty sure I stink at being like Him, but I try really hard to be a loving person.

2. I am really very honest. I can't tell a lie to save my life. If I did, you probably saw right through me and I probably looked like, well, a liar. So, if you ever want my honest opinion about anything, I'm your girl!

3. I was raised by various family members. I have issues with rejection, abandonment, trust, and feeling like I am too much and not enough, all at the same time. So if we become friends, I would really like to stay friends. I also hope that you can handle my "too much-ness". I am getting better with my filter.

4. I love art. I love to look at art and create art. I also love photography, typefonts, and graphics. I could spend hours scrolling through instagram, pinterest, and blogs and never get a thing done at home and force my children to eat cereal for dinner because I will become lost in the beauty of art and the people who create it. I am learning to create healthy boundaries with this.

5. I am very passionate about the things I love. If you see me behaving very excited, I am passionate about it. 

the next five I will get real brave...

6. I have dealth with abuse. All kinds. I have been abusive as a result and I have hurt people.

I learned that "hurting people, hurt people" and that has helped me to heal and grow, accept and love. Also, it has taught me how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I really make an attempt to own my mistakes and take accountability for them. I am deeply sorry that I have hurt people through my own hurt.

7. People often tell me that I am very pretty or beautiful. I appreciate the compliment but I also have issues with this because "being pretty" has caused me a lot of hurt. I am much more concerned with what I am on the inside and working on that. It has also made me feel like people are afraid to approach me or are intimidated. It makes socializing very awkard and uncomfortable. 

8. I have, what I think is an amazing amount of faith but I still struggle with my purpose.

I have never felt like I belong in any certain place, career, or tribe. I don't know what that one thing is that I am meant to do.

9. I never imagined my life would have taken the course it has. I can't remember anyone ever asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up or talking to me about what kind of family I would like to have. No one ever talked to me about God. No one taught me how to be a mom or a wife or a friend. I have made a million mistakes and I have learned from most of them. This has all been pretty much self-taught. 

10. One day, I hope to figure this all out. There are days that I am scared to death of what might be next, but I am also ready to step out onto the water and find out! I will go wherever He leads me. My things are packed and I am ready! 

So, next time we have an opportunity, I would love to get to know you! Be brave friends!

Sand Castles

This Father's Day was tough. Really, really tough. I found myself feeling the realities of separation. I felt the emptiness, the yearning, the brokenness that every child without a father to celebrate must feel, and every woman who has been left to do the job on her own.

I have said this to some of my closest friends because I know that they understand me and now I am going to share it here because this is my place to get things out and put my thoughts and feelings in black and white.

"I don't wear the single mom badge proudly!"

This is my truth and I do not expect anyone to feel how I do. I am not proud to be a single mom. It has it's "perks", like having the bed all to myself, decorating my home without having a mans likes or dislikes to consider, ice cream and popcorn being acceptable options for meals, never having to watch a football game on tv... but honestly, I could very happily live without those "perks". Matter of fact, I would give up any and all of those "perks" just so that I could have an hour to read my devotionals and pray in peace, while my husband helps care for and entertain the children. And I might even be able shower alone. I might get through a day without feeling completely perplexed and wishing I had the ability to disappear for ten minutes into my own secret paradise to refresh my mind and regain my sanity. Right now, that seems really far off. Right now, there isn't a man who will read stories or throw a ball with my child. There isnt a partner who might help encourage and set an example of what it means to be a man. There isn't someone to share the day with. There isn't that confidence of knowing, when I can't do it, there's someone here 100% to back me up.

I spent last week trying to plan a weekend for my littlest, hoping to fill a little bit of the void he will always have from not having his father in his life. The older two were spending the weekend with their Dad, who is active to some degree. I mean, he does more than what many fathers do, but he is also very self-involved and that turns out to be a disappointing quality. He choses when and how he wants to be involved and that kind of behavior leaves more on my plate than I ever signed up for and leaves the children feeling quite confused. Sometimes, it's just too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I feel very hurt and angry that I am doing a large percent of this on my own with very little support. Sometimes , I feel like I dont exist when they do things together now that he would never do when we were a "together" family. Sometimes, I have to turn off all of my feelings and just thank God that I have Him and can lean in on His strength.

When the weekend came, my littlest (who has a completely non-involved father), and I waited and waited, ready to go spend the weekend out with friends. Well, we waited all day. And then we waited the next day too. All he talked about was building sand castles. It broke my heart. I mean, it completely broke my heart. I cried out to God and asked him to show me how to show my child His love. I wiped the tears away and drew sand castles on the patio. The joy I saw on my little boys face as he rode his scooter around and around his "sand castle" felt like a wave of warm beach water had just washed over my heart and brought comfort that I am certain could come from only Him. 

There is a lesson in this. I still don't really understand what the lesson is completely, but the one thing I do understand is my Heavenly Father, only, can fill this void. I pray that one day my little boy will know this. I will do everything in my power to show him God's love. Even if one day a man will come into his life, and especially if one never does. It seems completely unfair and far off to have any expectation that any person would be capable or that I would have any expectation that anyone would consider playing this role or even taking a day of their life to show up. People are busy and people just don't feel like it. My job is to show my children God's love, and all the disappointments will seem more like tiny specks of disappointment and let downs when their hearts know the love of God.

My secret paradise escape seems like it is galaxies away, but I take solace in the peace that comes over me as I remember that His love comforts and protects.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Sometimes Happiness Comes in a Rain Cloud

Sometimes, the picture we paint in our minds of what life is like when we have allowed God to take control of our lives and have received the gift of the Holy Spirit can throw us off. When things are going great and we are on fire for Jesus and singing praise in thanks. Suddenly a rain cloud passes over and we are like, "Hey! Where did my sunshine go? I was really enjoying the overflow of good things happening in my life!" 

If all we ever have is good things happening, when will we actually be thankful for the experiences which bring us to our knees and humbled us? 

Those are the experiences that have built me up for God's great work! 

Matter of fact, the toughest days, when I really thought I couldn't take another day of life in that situation, are the experiences that I am most thankful for now. I am sure that each of those experiences that have brought me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father were not by any accident and I know He put me through those experiences just so He could put all my broken pieces back together and rebuild me into His princess.

Trials have taught me how important it is to lean in on the strength of God that is in me, and remembering that I am completely, unconditionally loved and this situation is temporary. I am God's child and He is not going to let me down! I must keep pushing forward. Spending time in His Word and tucking it into my heart and creating quiet time to talk to God always help me to get through the storms. Soon, this rain cloud will pass and the sun will shine down again. Trust in Him always.

James 1:2-3

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Faith that Moves Mountains

God moves mountains. I have seen him do it! The power He has over my life completely blows me away at times. Like a rush of wind blowing the pile of leaves, just neatly raked into a pile, He can move mountains effortlessly. One day I think that life is all lined up with nothing less than a straight path to the blessing I so long for. The next day, the path is gone! How could this be? He always has a plan that is greater, much greater than our own.

For the next couple of months or so, I am going to make an effort to spend less, to no time on Facebook and really dig for deeper faith. I would love to have this space to write about my journey, where I am at right now and sometimes take a little walk down memory lane. Sometimes I feel like it's good to sit and pull up the old roots of our past that have left scars and may be causing fear to have the courageous and unfaultering faith it will take to be okay with all the times God says no, or not right now, and just wait on His bigger yes. To be completely able to accept the ever abounding love He has.

For me, having things in black and white helps to see things a little more clearly. Being able to share the journey with others is something I was hesitant to do because life has not always been so kind, but I want to use it as a testimony to others and bring glory to God with my life. He surely has breathed something wonderful in me and I can't wait to uncover and share it with you!

Psalm 5:12

For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield.

Matthew 17:19-21

19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” 20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.