Sand Castles

This Father's Day was tough. Really, really tough. I found myself feeling the realities of separation. I felt the emptiness, the yearning, the brokenness that every child without a father to celebrate must feel, and every woman who has been left to do the job on her own.

I have said this to some of my closest friends because I know that they understand me and now I am going to share it here because this is my place to get things out and put my thoughts and feelings in black and white.

"I don't wear the single mom badge proudly!"

This is my truth and I do not expect anyone to feel how I do. I am not proud to be a single mom. It has it's "perks", like having the bed all to myself, decorating my home without having a mans likes or dislikes to consider, ice cream and popcorn being acceptable options for meals, never having to watch a football game on tv... but honestly, I could very happily live without those "perks". Matter of fact, I would give up any and all of those "perks" just so that I could have an hour to read my devotionals and pray in peace, while my husband helps care for and entertain the children. And I might even be able shower alone. I might get through a day without feeling completely perplexed and wishing I had the ability to disappear for ten minutes into my own secret paradise to refresh my mind and regain my sanity. Right now, that seems really far off. Right now, there isn't a man who will read stories or throw a ball with my child. There isnt a partner who might help encourage and set an example of what it means to be a man. There isn't someone to share the day with. There isn't that confidence of knowing, when I can't do it, there's someone here 100% to back me up.

I spent last week trying to plan a weekend for my littlest, hoping to fill a little bit of the void he will always have from not having his father in his life. The older two were spending the weekend with their Dad, who is active to some degree. I mean, he does more than what many fathers do, but he is also very self-involved and that turns out to be a disappointing quality. He choses when and how he wants to be involved and that kind of behavior leaves more on my plate than I ever signed up for and leaves the children feeling quite confused. Sometimes, it's just too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I feel very hurt and angry that I am doing a large percent of this on my own with very little support. Sometimes , I feel like I dont exist when they do things together now that he would never do when we were a "together" family. Sometimes, I have to turn off all of my feelings and just thank God that I have Him and can lean in on His strength.

When the weekend came, my littlest (who has a completely non-involved father), and I waited and waited, ready to go spend the weekend out with friends. Well, we waited all day. And then we waited the next day too. All he talked about was building sand castles. It broke my heart. I mean, it completely broke my heart. I cried out to God and asked him to show me how to show my child His love. I wiped the tears away and drew sand castles on the patio. The joy I saw on my little boys face as he rode his scooter around and around his "sand castle" felt like a wave of warm beach water had just washed over my heart and brought comfort that I am certain could come from only Him. 

There is a lesson in this. I still don't really understand what the lesson is completely, but the one thing I do understand is my Heavenly Father, only, can fill this void. I pray that one day my little boy will know this. I will do everything in my power to show him God's love. Even if one day a man will come into his life, and especially if one never does. It seems completely unfair and far off to have any expectation that any person would be capable or that I would have any expectation that anyone would consider playing this role or even taking a day of their life to show up. People are busy and people just don't feel like it. My job is to show my children God's love, and all the disappointments will seem more like tiny specks of disappointment and let downs when their hearts know the love of God.

My secret paradise escape seems like it is galaxies away, but I take solace in the peace that comes over me as I remember that His love comforts and protects.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”